Siblings should agree on seven money rules when one of them holds a parent’s power of attorney: what the money is for, how it changes hands as dementia progresses, what the agent reports, how out-of-pocket costs are paid back, whether the agent is paid, whether a caregiving sibling is paid, and who handles the benefits the document does not reach. The document names who may act for your parent. The family settles the rest, and it is easier to do before a crisis than during one.

There is a shoebox of receipts on your passenger seat: the shower chair, the pharmacy copays, three weeks of groceries, all paid from your own account because your parent’s account now runs through your brother, who holds the power of attorney. You have not asked for the money back, and you are not sure you are allowed to. Across town, he is paying every bill, filling in every form, and wondering why nobody offers to take any of it off his hands.

Neither of you is being greedy. On her siblings page, Jessica Cannon names what sits under sibling money fights: fear rather than greed, about the cost, the future and who will be left carrying it. The author of The Proactive Caregiver cared for her mother through frontotemporal dementia and four misdiagnoses, and after her father passed she did not speak to one of her siblings for eight years. She knows how long a family silence can last.

This list stays with the money around the document. The legal edges have their own explainers, one on whether a sibling holding the power of attorney can limit your visits and one on how joint, several and successor agents work, and roles, meetings and outside help start from her page for siblings who cannot agree about a parent’s care.

Estimated reading time: 11 min read

Key Insights

A power of attorney decides who may act for your parent and leaves the family to agree how the money is spent, reported and repaid. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s guide for agents puts a parent’s well-being above saving money for anyone who may inherit, asks for receipts even for small expenses, allows only a reasonable fee where pay is permitted at all, and notes that Social Security and VA benefits need a separate appointment. Agreeing these rules early, while your parent can still say what they want, helps keep the money from becoming the fight.

Table of Contents

• 1. Agree that your parent’s money is for your parent’s care first
• 2. Agree how the money changes hands as the disease progresses
• 3. Agree what the agent reports, in what form, and how often
• 4. Agree how out-of-pocket costs get logged and paid back
• 5. Decide out loud whether the agent is paid
• 6. Decide whether a caregiving sibling is paid, before any money moves
• 7. Decide who handles the benefits the power of attorney does not reach
• Which of these the family settles, and which go to a professional
• Writing the rules down, and where help fits

1. Agree that your parent’s money is for your parent’s care first

Underneath arguments about spending sits a quieter question: whose money is this, really? The CFPB’s guide for agents answers it plainly. It tells the agent to make the decisions the parent would have wanted, unless that would harm them, and to put the parent’s well-being above saving money for others who may inherit, so the parent is safe, comfortable and has what they need.

That rule lands hard on siblings, because an inheritance carries meaning. The Family Caregiver Alliance notes that most parents feel a need to leave their estates equally as a sign of equal love, which is exactly why care spending can start to feel personal. Jessica’s Family Dynamics pillar names it money and inheritance anxiety, and says financial transparency reduces it while secrecy feeds it.

So say it out loud as a family: the money’s first job is your parent’s care. Whatever remains later is a matter for the estate documents and the attorney who drafted them, and it has no place in this month’s care budget.

2. Agree how the money changes hands as the disease progresses

The National Institute on Aging describes how money skills change with dementia. Early on, a person may still manage basic tasks such as paying bills while struggling with harder ones such as balancing an account, and as the disease gets worse, they may try to hide financial problems to protect their independence. The handover of the money can follow the same pace.

The document shapes the timing as well. The CFPB’s guide notes that a power of attorney may take effect right away or only once the parent can no longer make their own decisions, and that the document may say how that will be known.

So agree who reviews the statements each month (NIA suggests a family member or legal representative do exactly that and step in if there are serious concerns), what your parent keeps doing for as long as they can, and how you will raise it with them. NIA’s own words for the handover are respect and understanding.

3. Agree what the agent reports, in what form, and how often

The sibling holding the document keeps the records either way. The CFPB’s guide requires agents to keep complete records, and suggests letting another family member see them as a precaution unless the document or state law says otherwise. The Family Caregiver Alliance is more direct with a sibling who holds a parent’s power of attorney: keep detailed records and send your siblings statements, because being open reduces distrust.

What the family decides is the form: a one-page monthly summary of money in and money out, read access to a shared folder, or a quarterly review. Settle it together, along with anything your parent asked to keep private, because the guide expects the agent to respect that. Her piece on tools families use to share power-of-attorney paperwork covers the practical side.

What a sibling can legally require is a state-law question, and her explainer on your rights when a sibling has power of attorney walks through it for Texas. The Texas edition of the agent guide, from Texas Appleseed and AARP Texas, adds that the agent must tell the parent about actions taken on their behalf in a timely way.

4. Agree how out-of-pocket costs get logged and paid back

The sibling without the document may pay for things first and then feel awkward asking for the money back. The Family Caregiver Alliance’s advice to that sibling is to work with the one who holds the authority by presenting expenses and bills in black and white.

So agree what counts as a reimbursable cost, how receipts reach the agent, how quickly they are repaid from your parent’s account, and where the log lives. The CFPB’s guide already asks agents to keep receipts and notes even for small expenses and to avoid paying in cash, so a shared reimbursement log is the family’s half of a record the agent is keeping anyway.

Asking to be paid back keeps that record honest, and an honest record protects the sibling holding the document as much as anyone. If a sibling pays for something and does not want it back, write that down too, so the log shows every contribution the family makes.

5. Decide out loud whether the agent is paid

Being the agent is work: bills, forms, hold music and records. The CFPB’s guide says the power of attorney or state law may allow an agent to be paid, and that any fee should be reasonable and backed by detailed records of what was done, how long it took, when and why. The Texas edition adds a wrinkle: Texas law allows reasonable pay when a power of attorney signed on or after September 1, 2017 makes no choice about it, yet its best practice is to take no pay unless the document specifically allows it.

The family’s part is making sure everyone knows before any fee is taken. A payment that appears in the statements without warning reads as something else entirely, while the same payment agreed in advance reads as fair. If anyone is unsure whether a fee is reasonable, the Texas edition’s advice is to ask an attorney before the agent pays themselves.

6. Decide whether a caregiving sibling is paid, before any money moves

The sibling doing the daily care gives up hours, and sometimes income, to do it. The Family Caregiver Alliance names the feeling that can follow, that a sibling who cared for a parent deserves more, and says to raise it with the parents while they are alive and can make these decisions.

Paying that sibling can be fair, and Jessica says so in her explainer on the Medicaid look-back. She also describes the trap: money paid to a relative with no written agreement looks like a gift, and gifts are what the look-back reviews. In her words, the agency is not reading your heart. It is reading your bank statements. A written caregiver agreement signed in advance, with the type of care, the hours and a reasonable local rate, lets a relative be paid as compensation instead, she explains.

The family decides whether to pay and what the arrangement covers. An elder law attorney drafts the agreement, because the rules differ from state to state.

7. Decide who handles the benefits the power of attorney does not reach

One gap sits outside the document entirely. The CFPB’s guide says an agent cannot manage government benefits such as Social Security or VA benefits without a separate appointment from that agency, for example as a representative payee or a VA fiduciary.

If your parent receives those benefits and needs help managing them, decide together which sibling applies, knowing the agency makes its own appointment and the guide points you to that agency for the details. If that sibling is not the agent, agree how the two will share information, because the same guide asks agents to work with any other fiduciary and keep them informed.

Which of these the family settles, and which go to a professional

Most of these rules need no lawyer, only a conversation held early and written down. The table below sorts each rule into the family’s column or a professional’s.

Writing the rules down, and where help fits

When the family cannot settle its own column, a mediator can help, and her guide to questions to ask a mediator or elder law attorney covers that first meeting.

Jessica Cannon works with families nationwide through virtual coaching, with in-person roots in Austin and Central Texas. Her coaching follows The Proactive Caregiver Method, building a caregiver’s capacity to understand and navigate the whole of it: the disease, the systems, the family and the money. Her Guided Growth tier adds a personalized plan, updated quarterly, that the whole family can see. On her About page she calls the stance the Sovereign Steward approach: you are the architect of your family’s protection.

If your family’s rules are still unwritten, the call below is a good place to start: a short video call to work out whether her coaching fits what your family is facing.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Can a parent with dementia still spend their own money after signing a power of attorney?

A: Yes, while they are still able to make decisions. The CFPB’s guide for agents says signing does not stop a parent managing their own money and property, and that a power of attorney may take effect right away or only once the parent can no longer decide. The National Institute on Aging notes that early in dementia a person may still pay bills while harder tasks slip, which is why a monthly review of the statements helps.

Q: Does the sibling with power of attorney have to show everyone the records?

A: Not automatically. The agent’s duties run to your parent, and the CFPB’s guide says the document or state law may give someone else the right to review the agent’s records. The guide also suggests letting a family member see them as a precaution, and the Family Caregiver Alliance advises a sibling holding the power of attorney to send the others statements. What your state lets a sibling require is a question for an attorney, and what your family shares can be agreed now.

Q: Can the sibling with power of attorney be paid for the work?

A: Sometimes. The CFPB’s guide says the power of attorney or state law may allow an agent to be paid, at a reasonable fee backed by detailed records of the work and the time it took. The Texas edition of the guide, from Texas Appleseed and AARP Texas, notes that Texas law allows reasonable pay when a power of attorney signed on or after September 1, 2017 makes no choice about it, but advises taking none unless the document allows it. Either way, telling the family before any payment keeps a fair fee from looking like something else.

Q: Does a power of attorney cover a parent’s Social Security or VA benefits?

A: Not on its own. The CFPB’s guide for agents says managing government benefits such as Social Security or VA benefits takes a separate appointment from the agency, for example as a representative payee or VA fiduciary. Families can decide together which sibling applies and, if that sibling is not the agent, how the two will share information, since the guide asks agents to keep other fiduciaries informed.

Citations

• Managing Someone Else’s Money: Help for Agents Under a Power of Attorney (Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, January 2022). The federal guide, prepared with the American Bar Association Commission on Law and Aging, that sets out an agent’s duties: putting the parent’s well-being above saving money for anyone who may inherit, keeping complete records and receipts, charging only a reasonable fee where the document or state law allows pay, and needing a separate appointment to manage Social Security or VA benefits. https://files.consumerfinance.gov/f/documents/cfpb_msem_national_agents_guide.pdf
• Managing Money Problems for People With Dementia (National Institute on Aging, reviewed October 3, 2023). Describes how handling money changes as dementia progresses, recommends that a family member or legal representative review statements each month, and asks families to handle the transfer of financial authority with respect and understanding. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/legal-and-financial-planning/managing-money-problems-people-dementia
• Caregiving with Your Siblings (Family Caregiver Alliance, Francine Russo). Advises a sibling who holds a parent’s power of attorney to keep detailed records and send the others statements, tells the other siblings to present expenses and bills in black and white, and speaks directly to inheritance feelings between siblings. https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregiving-with-your-siblings/
• Managing Someone Else’s Money in Texas: Help for Agents Under a Power of Attorney (Texas Appleseed and AARP Texas, third edition). The Texas adaptation of the federal guide, used here as the state example: it adds that the agent must tell the parent about actions taken on their behalf in a timely way, notes that Texas law allows reasonable compensation when a power of attorney signed on or after September 1, 2017 makes no choice about it, and still advises, as best practice, no pay unless the document allows it. https://www.protecttheirmoneytx.org/sites/default/files/2024-01/agents_under_a_power_of_attorney_third_edition_1.pdf

Related reading

• What Is a Caregiver Pre-Mortem and Why Should I Do One Now?
• How Families Pay for Long-Term Dementia Care: A Complete Guide
• How Do I Navigate the VA Benefits System for an Aging Parent?
• How reactive caregiving can cost families up to $750K, and what proactive planning saves
• Family Dynamics in Caregiving
• The Proactive Caregiver Method

About this article. Jessica Cannon is a CPA with 28 years of financial experience and a Certified Dementia Practitioner. She provides financial coaching, not legal or medical services. This article is general information about how these systems work, not advice about your situation, and it is not a substitute for the advice of an attorney. It is not medical advice, and it is not individualized tax or financial advice.

For the legal instruments themselves, including wills, powers of attorney and guardianship, you will need a licensed attorney in your own state. Medicaid and long-term care rules also differ by state and change over time, so any Texas detail here is an example rather than a rule that will apply to you.