You are not imagining this
Your Sibling Has Power of Attorney. You Have Questions Nobody Will Answer.
Maybe you cannot see the bank statements. Maybe you are the one doing everything while someone who visits twice a year has opinions about all of it. Maybe nobody can agree and your mother is the one waiting while you argue.
You are not being difficult. You are watching the most important decisions of your parent’s life get made badly, and you cannot get a straight answer about whether you are allowed to do anything about it.
I know exactly how that ends, because I lived it. When my father passed, I did not speak to one of my siblings for eight years.
Start here
First, the answer you came here for
A power of attorney gives your sibling authority. It does not give them ownership of your parent. A financial POA covers money. It does not generally control who visits, who calls, or who gets told what is happening. A medical POA covers health decisions when your parent cannot make them, and even then your parent’s own wishes come first while they still have capacity.
Most of what looks like misuse is not. The sibling holding the POA is usually exhausted, usually doing more than anyone else, and usually terrible at communicating about it. That is not theft. That is burnout with a filing cabinet.
And sometimes it is exactly what it looks like. Which is why you document before you accuse, and why you get a professional in the room before the family breaks.
Knowing which of those three you are in is the whole game. That is what I do.
Name it
Which fight are you actually in?
The Shut-Out
They hold the POA. You get no information, no statements, no answers. Every question you ask makes it worse.
The Only One
You do the appointments, the medications, the 2am calls. They send advice from another state and call it helping.
The Deadlock
Nobody agrees. Nothing moves. Decisions that needed making last month are still sitting there.
The Suspicion
The money does not add up. Nobody will talk about it. And you are terrified of being the one who says it out loud.
Different fights. Same root.
The real cause
Why siblings actually fight
It is almost never about the money. After 28 years in finance and 14 as a licensed CPA, I can tell you the money is where the fight shows up, not where it starts.
You had different parents
The father who raised the eldest is not the father who raised the youngest. You are not remembering the same man, so you are not protecting the same man.
You are still playing your childhood roles
The responsible one. The baby. The peacemaker. Crisis puts everyone straight back into the part they were cast in at nine years old.
You are grieving on different timelines
One of you accepted this a year ago. One of you has not started. People at different stages of grief cannot make a joint decision, and they experience each other as obstacles.
And underneath it, money anxiety
Not greed. Fear. About the cost, about the future, about who is going to be left carrying it.
Caregiving does not create family dysfunction. It reveals it. Every unresolved thing comes back the moment someone has to decide who is responsible for Mom.
The method
What I do about it
I am a CPA and a Certified Dementia Practitioner. I am not a therapist and I am not an attorney, and I will tell you plainly when you need one of those instead.
What I do is turn a family that is fighting into a family that is functioning. Not by making everyone get along. By giving everyone a job.
I spent 28 years in corporate finance, 14 of them as a licensed CPA, before I became my mother’s caregiver. I know what it costs to get this wrong, because my family paid it.
Jessica Cannon, CPA, CDP
The Sacred Assignment
Every family already has six roles in it. Most have never named them, which is why they fight about who is not doing enough.
- The Daily Caregiver handles hands-on care, appointments, daily decisions
- The Financial Supporter funds paid care, equipment, facility costs
- The Respite Provider takes over so the primary caregiver can breathe
- The Researcher finds the options, the resources, the programs
- The Emotional Support holds the person doing the hardest part
- The Distant Witness cannot be there, and needs a defined way to still count
The full framework sits in family dynamics in caregiving, and there is more on getting a sibling to actually help. Once the roles are assigned out loud, the argument changes shape. “You never help” becomes “you are the Researcher, and we need three memory care options by Friday.”
Then we run your family like a board
Structured check-ins on a schedule. One person owning financial navigation. One owning medical-proxy communication. Decisions recorded so nobody relitigates them at Thanksgiving. Documents where everyone can see them, so nobody has to ask permission to know what is happening to their own parent.
A panicked family becomes a functional board of directors. That is not a metaphor I borrowed. It is the job I did for 28 years, applied to the only organization that actually matters.
Two ways this goes
Reactive, or proactive
Reactive caregiving
Crisis after crisis. 2am Googling. Making end-of-life decisions in an emergency room with your siblings on speakerphone, all of you furious and frightened and unprepared.
Proactive caregiving
Deciding before the crisis, so that when it comes you respond from stability instead of panic.
Every family gets one of these. Very few choose which.
How it works
What happens when we work together
1
We find out what is actually true
What the documents say, who holds what authority, what your parent’s money can and cannot do. Most families are fighting about a situation they have never accurately described.
2
We get the five documents in place
Durable power of attorney, medical power of attorney, HIPAA authorization, living will, last will. If they exist, we check they work. If they do not, we move while your parent can still sign, and I will tell you when that needs an elder law attorney.
3
We assign the roles and set the rhythm
Who does what. When you meet. How decisions get recorded. What happens when someone cannot deliver.
4
We plan for the money
What care actually costs, what Medicare will not cover, what Medicaid requires and how far back it looks. This is where being a CPA matters more than being sympathetic.
5
And I stay
This is not a one-off consultation you take notes on and never use.
Choose your level
Where to start
Tier One
$89
per month
Foundational Support. For when you need to stop feeling like the only one. Monthly group coaching, the core curriculum, and a private community of people in exactly your situation.
Tier Two
$249
per month
Guided Growth. For when you need a plan the whole family can see. Everything in Tier One, plus small-group coaching twice a month, a personalized plan updated quarterly, and a monthly one-to-one with me.
Tier Three
$400
per month
Deep Transformation. For when the stakes are too high to get wrong and you want me close to it.
Not sure which? That is what the call is for.
We will talk about what is actually happening in your family, and I will tell you honestly whether I am the right help. If I am not, I will tell you who is.
Go deeper
Read more on this
Can a sibling with power of attorney legally stop you seeing your parent?Can siblings share power of attorney? Joint, several and successor explainedMy sibling has power of attorney. What are my rights?10 signs a sibling’s power of attorney may need a closer look7 questions to ask a mediator or elder law attorney when siblings cannot agree9 tools families use to share power-of-attorney paperwork between siblings
Common questions
Questions families ask
Can two siblings have power of attorney at the same time?
Yes. Your parent can name co-agents who act jointly, meaning both must agree, or severally, meaning either can act alone. Joint appointments feel fair and create deadlock. Several appointments move fast and create suspicion. Which one suits your family depends on how you actually function, and an elder law attorney drafts it.
Do all siblings have to agree on power of attorney?
No. Your parent chooses, while they have capacity, and they do not need anyone’s permission. That is the part families find hardest. Being left out is painful, and it is not evidence that anything improper happened.
Can a sibling with power of attorney keep me from seeing our parent?
Usually not. A financial power of attorney does not control visitation. A medical power of attorney can affect care arrangements, which can affect access indirectly, and that is where it becomes complicated enough to need an attorney rather than an argument.
What if I think my sibling is misusing the power of attorney?
Document first. Dates, amounts, what you asked and what you were told. Do not accuse before you have a record, because an accusation you cannot support ends the relationship and changes nothing. Then get a professional involved.
Jessica Cannon is a CPA with 28 years of financial experience and a Certified Dementia Practitioner. She is not a substitute for a physician, elder law attorney, licensed investment adviser, insurance adviser, or government eligibility determination.
